SCENE: A windowless, nondescript office. An older man is seated at a gray, nondescript desk, making notes on a notepad. A young man stumbles into the room, confused, blinking his eyes as if adjusting to the light.
YOUNG MAN: Where am I?
SEATED MAN: I'll ask the questions. Are you Scott Smith, graduating senior from Ohio State University?
YOUNG MAN: Yes, I am. I thought I was on my way to a job interview, but then I was blindfolded and pushed into the back of a car. It was a long ride. Who are you?
SEATED MAN: We'll discuss that later. You're graduating with a combined degree in mathematics and computer science, is that correct?
YOUNG MAN: Yes, it is. But I really need to know what this is all about.
SEATED MAN: You're in a government facility. This is a job interview. You're graduating at the top of your class in both disciplines, with a special emphasis on data mining, is that correct?
YOUNG MAN: Yes, it is. Hey, wait a minute. ... Is this the CIA?
SEATED MAN: No, it's not the CIA. Your internships included programming and data management projects at the university, several state agencies, and AT&T, is that correct?
YOUNG MAN: Yes, that's correct. Is this the FBI? Or the Secret Service?
SEATED MAN: You're proficient in Oracle, SAS, and SPSS software, is that right?
YOUNG MAN: Yes, but I prefer to write my own data-mining algorithms. Hold on--this isn't the NSA, is it?
SEATED MAN: I can't answer that question.
YOUNG MAN: Oh, no. Forget it. I'm not working on that telephone-records project.
SEATED MAN: I have no idea what you're talking about.
YOUNG MAN: What happened to the guys who were working on it before? I heard some pretty ugly rumors--anxiety, depression, eating disorders.
SEATED MAN: We've had turnover in our IT department ... I mean, there are several interesting and exciting IT positions for which we're interviewing qualified candidates such as yourself.
YOUNG MAN: Can you imagine a project like that? Talk about needles and haystacks! Like one huge Sudoku game. I'd rather run traffic patterns any day. Hey, can I get a Red Bull?
SEATED MAN: Maybe later.
YOUNG MAN: And dealing with the phone companies? Forget it. Sloppy data practices, lousy support, and endless hard-copy forms. Positively Kafkaesque.
SEATED MAN: Just a couple more questions. First, would a project involving telephone records--if such a project existed, which it doesn't--present any ethical problems for you?
YOUNG MAN: Me? No. Data's data, right? The challenge is in making sense of seemingly arbitrary and unrelated data sets. Contingent on salary, of course.
SEATED MAN: Second, would you be willing to sign a loyalty oath?
YOUNG MAN: I guess so. My last interview was with Microsoft. They asked me the same thing.
You can keep your phone records, but send your industry tips to jsoat@cmp.com or phone 516-562-5326.
"The News Show" aspires to be Kafkaesque. Watch it and you be the judge, at noon EDT every weekday at TheNewsShow.tv.
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